Anal Surgery, Take Two

Hey! Guess where I’m spending New Year’s Eve? Unconscious at a day surgery center with a colorectal surgeon, that’s where! Then I’m going to ring in 2013 on copious amounts of painkillers!

I went to a different ass doc recently — not Dr. Assropractor — because I was still having pain, eight months after 2012 Assurgery #1. He said I didn’t heal well from that, and I now have a smaller version of the thing I had the first time. This means I’m facing my second assurgery of 2012 (and third assurgery overall, not counting minor in-office procedures).

(Flickr: striatic)

(Flickr: striatic)

I accepted his diagnosis with my usual grace and aplomb —

“NO! NO! NOOOOOOO! I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T HAVE ASSURGERY AGAIN! IT WAS THE WORST PAIN OF MY LIFE AND I’VE GIVEN BIRTH TO A SINGLE-FOOTLING BREECH! I’VE HAD TWO HOMEBIRTHS AND THE PAIN OF LABOR IS NOTHING COMPARED TO ASSURGERY! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”

For some perspective, I was still naked from the waist down, sitting on the type of exam table that only colorectal surgeons use, which I refer to as the genuflect-o-matic.

I actually grabbed the doctor’s arm and started crying.

(Flickr: Alex E. Proimos)

(Flickr: Alex E. Proimos)

“I TOLD DR. ASSROPRACTOR THAT I REGRET HAVING HAD THE SURGERY THE FIRST TIME, BUT HE SAYS IT CAUSES ANAL CANCER. BUT I DON’T CARE! I STILL REGRET IT! AT LEAST IF I HAD ANAL CANCER I COULD GET A RX FOR POT!”

He detached me from his arm and said he was leaving the room so I could get dressed, then he’d come back in so we could talk about it. I took the time to get dressed and do what any normal person would do: I posted to my Facebook wall about it.

He came back in and drew a diagram of my ass and said some words about less pain because of less nerve endings and blah blah blah, and I asked him like 22 times if he gave prescriptions for good painkillers. He promises.

(Flickr: darkuncle)

(Flickr: darkuncle)

The only good part of this situation is that I can have the surgery in this calendar year. We’ve met our ZILLION DOLLAR OUT OF POCKET deductible for the year. So I’m get my ass revamped for free.

Advertisements

Comments? Thoughts? Streams of Consciousness?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: