My Irritation Runneth Over

I like to take baths. I try to take one nightly. I relax, bring in my kindle, turn the lights down low… it’s a date with myself. NOT THAT KIND OF DATE, PERVERTS. Jesus.

Lately I’ve been busy — so busy I haven’t been able to blog! I’m sorry, dear readers! — and I haven’t been taking baths.

Also, the sisters might have ruined the tub stopper thingy. It no longer works properly. The coil on it doesn’t do its job and the water slowly drains.

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I asked My Chemical Romance to please buy a new tub stopper thingy the next time he’s at Home Depot.

He said, “No. It works fine. You’re just pushing it down too much.”

I said, “It does not work fine. It says PUSH. I push. Water slowly drains til I’m sitting in a sitz bath and I’m done with that shit since I finally recovered from surgery on my butt–”

He said, “You’re pushing it down too much. Push it down about 75%. Then it will work fine.”

I said, “75%? Exactly 75%?”

He said, “Well, more than 50%, less than all the way. So about 75%.”

I said, “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU WANT ME TO PUSH THE STOPPER DOWN SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT? TO TAKE A BATH? AND IF I PUSH IT DOWN SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT, THEN THE BATH WILL WORK PERFECTLY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE? I JUST WANT TO TAKE A BATH. IN MY BATHTUB. Preferably without any children. I WANT TO PUSH THE STOPPER DOWN LIKE IT SAYS ‘PUSH,’ AND PULL IT UP WHEN I’M DONE. I WANT THE WATER TO STAY IN THE TUB. I WANT TO USE THE CHEMICAL-LADEN BUBBLY SOAP THAT SMELLS NICE BUT I BUY IT AT TARGET. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE? WHY CAN’T I JUST TAKE A BATH?!?!?! LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!!”

My Chemical Romance said, “Um… is this PMS or something?”

I was all, “No! How dare you!”

MCR said, “Um…”

I said, “Well, I am taking prednisone for my intense shoulder pain, and I did read online that irritability is a possible side effect but THIS IS NOT IRRITABILITY, THIS IS JUST ME AS MY NORMAL SELF, WANTING TO TAKE A FUCKING BATH. IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT SUDDENLY EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS INCREDIBLY IRRITATING.”

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What a jerk.

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5 Responses

  1. In the meantime, put a washrag or two over the drain, it will help it drain slower. When I was a teenager and the bath stopper quit working, I recall my mom just removing the stopper and getting a little white plastic flat thing,like a 5″ diameter circle, that would fit over the hole and the pressure from the water in the tub would hold it in place; worked great for years.

  2. You are hilarious. =) Sending happy bath stopper thoughts your way…

  3. Thanks for the laugh this morning!! And I think that even though hormones may play a part in your inability to put up with certain things… the idea of not being able to just go take your bath is unacceptable. Your paragraph in caps is right on.
    You get that stopper!
    You deserve a totally functioning tub stopper for crying out loud.

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