Guide to Your Best Friend Midwife

Here’s your handy pocket guide to the do’s and don’ts of life with your best friend midwife.

**Note: this is not for when your midwife is your best friend. Many times during your pregnancy you’ll think your midwife is your BFF. She’s not. She’s just the only person who finds your pregnancy as fascinating as you do.**

Will your best friend midwife

…Watch you gorge on chocolate and cheese while pregnant without making disapproval face nor noting it in your prenatal chart?

Yes. But only if she’s not wheat-free at the time and you’ve had weight-loss surgery where the cheese, at least, won’t make much of a difference in your weight gain. Also, if you go to her house for dinner she will suggest you eat the fish* because it’s full of good fats that help develop baby’s brain!

*that is appropriately farmed or not farmed, or local or not-local, depending on what type of fish it is.

Sorry, Nemo. She said you’re good for me! (Flickr: Tim Pearce, Los Gatos)

…Give you a vaginal exam?

Well, not, like AS A PARLOR TRICK. But yes, under the appropriate circumstances. Like when you’re 41w6d pregnant.

…Give you a rectal exams?

No Not exactly. She may do a superficial examination, then leave the spelunking to the doctors. She will, however, accompany you to doctor appointment and video record said spelunking, if you ask nicely! Who does that? YOUR BEST FRIEND MIDWIFE!

… Not know who Mark Wahlberg is?

This is an odd one, but your best friend midwife may have been somewhat culturally sheltered as a younger person.

You know… it’s Marky Mark! (Flickr: evarinaldiphotography)

 take a picture of you with a life-size cut out poster of Edward Cullen?

Of course!

Duh.

… Since we’re talking about Edward Cullen: Draw your blood?

This may be the most convenient thing about having a best friend midwife. Want to know your hemoglobin or hematocrit? Also, think you may be seriously dehydrated and need your blood pressure taken and pulse counted? Need someone to watch your four children (at the time) while you go see a doctor because your blood pressure is low and your pulse is high? Need someone to keep your kids at her house til your husband gets off work after you’ve been admitted to the hospital for dehydration? Need someone to later visit you at the hospital and bring Panera? Ask your best friend midwife!

… Ensure that your tattoo doesn’t include a breech baby?

I don’t have experience with this personally, but my best friend midwife recently accompanied Prom Queen when she (PQ) got her first tattoo. The tattoo included an unintentionally breech baby, and my best friend midwife suggested a change so that the baby was vertex.

… have custom-made the MOST inappropriate baby shower cake in the history of ever? Spend a lot of time trying to find someone willing to make this cake?

This is the R-rated version of it.

Also, throw you a shower/mother’s blessing when you’re having baby NUMBER FIVE. Most people would find this tacky, but it was a green/reused shower and it was awesome!

… Introduce you to helpful internet phenomenons?

Including but not limited to Honey Badger, Cakewrecks and nearly anything Saturday Night Live has done.

… give your baby her first bath?

Awwww. Cousin It, back when she was known as Tax Deduction or Porcelain, at about an hour old!

She will also do other things like go on cross-country adventures that involve “reality” court-based television; drive you to Concord, NC, during a torrential downpour to procure donor breastmilk; accompany you halfway to Raleigh from Charlotte to pick up oil for a car; and examine your post-surgical rectal site, casually noting that the pain you’re still experiencing nearly three months later is actually from SCAR TISSUE, something that not one of the colo-rectal surgeons bothered mentioning during any of my follow-up appointments which I went to because I was wondering why ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH DOES MY ASS STILL HURT?

In short, go find a best friend midwife.

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3 Responses

  1. I relate. I, too, have a BF midwife. They are grand. Things that my BF midwife has done for me: sneaked into a hospital where I was doula-ing and tinkered with a cervix when the doc was clueless. We were at hour 50 and it needed to happen. She’s also cleaned up behind me when I accidentally caught a baby that was supposed to be hospital-born. She counsels me to visualize tiny workermen sweeping away the yeast from my body and other woo stuff. And, she is the only person allowed to discuss menopause and how it will, in fact, happen to me one day.

    Every woman needs a bf midwife.

  2. […] consider myself lucky that my BFF is a midwife and my husband is a scientist because I have no idea how bodies function. Take thyroids, for […]

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