Rear Ended

Note: I’m talking about my surgery, not a car crash.

I’m on day 28 since my surgery, and I’m fairly healed. Not entirely, which is totally amazing. Nearly a month ago, Dr. Buttropractor cut open a very delicate place and I’ve been gobbling down painkillers since then. Thank you, Dr. Buttropractor, for being generous about the pills. And also, thanks for not telling me what the surgery entailed prior to it because I never would have done it.

Should you have to have butt surgery — and I hope you don’t, yet I’ve found that a lot of people do — here are some tips for maximizing recovery.

1. Take the drugs. Just yes. In fact, I took so many drugs and was so hung over by the anesthesia that I felt no pain for the first 12 hours and just thought it was a minor inconvenience that I’d be over by the weekend. (And if we were talking four weekends later, then yes.)

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That was how I felt for a day after surgery — groggy and willing to sleep anywhere.

2. Plead your case to anyone/everyone, then accept help. For the record, it was two weeks before I felt comfortable driving, standing, sitting or walking. And that was only for brief periods. At three weeks I dropped the four older kids at a museum and had to walk three blocks back to my car. The evening ended with me emailing Miss Manners that I was an idiot and wanted to die because how could I put such a strain on my delicate body?!?!?! I digress. I had a lot of help and support from friends both near and far and it made a difference. Thank you, friends!

3. Share openly with your doctor. And I am not talking butt-cheeks taped apart openly. I had three follow up appointments during which I was certain that something was horribly wrong and I either suffered from a post- op infection or the doc had removed too much tissue and I was literally sitting on open, bleeding veins. At each appointment I was told that I was healing normally and that eventually I would feel better. Every single time I said, “I cannot believe you did this to me and I paid you for it, because this is misery.” Finally he said, “YOUR CONDITION PRIOR TO SURGERY WAS A RISK FACTOR FOR ANAL CANCER.” At which point I was on the upswing, so I thanked him. But if he’d said that at follow up visit #1 or #2 I probably would have snarled something about cancer patients getting stronger drugs.

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The Informant says, I don’t care!

4. Don’t eat. Because nothing tastes as good as the feeling of avoiding the bathroom when your butt is bleeding and draining. DRAINING, I say.

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I have no idea what’s in that office but just say no!

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