The Couch-as-a-Kleenex Story

I have no earthly idea how this happened but it did.

The scene: our living room. Fish tank. Two couches. One Laz-y-boy that My Chemical Romance calls his Battery Charger. One TV. One computer.

Enter Animal, Mineral, The Informant, My Masterpiece and me. We pause while deciding who will sit where — it’s always a fight for my lap, plus blankets, and the fish tank needs an inch more water and it’s really noisy so whoever sits near it doesn’t hear very well. (Also, we have too many fish. The Happy Mathlete chose not to accept a fish when she won the giveaway — does anyone local in Raleigh want a fish or eight? — and we have too many for the tank. They breed like rabbits.)

Yeah, it kind of looks like this.

Constitutions: Poor. Everyone is at least a little bit sick. Low grade fevers (which I don’t treat except for when it’s very late at night and Cousin It can’t sleep), sneezing, snotting and a little coughing. (Cousin It was sleeping, which is why she was not in the living room with us.)

— SUDDENLY — Animal sneezes. A wet sneeze. He bends over, so the snot hangs down a little. (A lovely mental picture, but all the moms out there know what I’m talking about.) And then he wipes his nose on the arm of the couch.

Yes. He did.

What.The.Eff?!?!?!?!?

I was literally speechless. I think I might have said, “Are you KIDDING?”

He had the decency to look sheepish, and cleaned it up with a towel. Usually I pride myself on knowing my children pretty well — this happens when you spend nearly 24/7 with them — and I haven’t the faintest idea why he did that. We’ve talked about not wiping your runny nose on your sleeve (which I am known to do. Every day I wear jeans and a boring solid-colored cotton shirt from the Gap or Old Navy or Kohl’s and they all have stains on them because I have five kids. I DRESS LIKE A MOM. Sometimes that means I have wipe my nose on my sleeve. Or wipe my hands on my jeans.) But the couch? Where everyone sits?!?!?! Why, god, whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

This is, however, the same kid who used to sleepwalk and pee down the stairs when we lived in Charlotte. That is my only possible explanation: that he was sleepwalking — while awake — and did this.

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3 Responses

  1. My younger brother used to sleep walk and pee in random places too! Mom caught him going toward the fridge once. Later on we figured out that it was the light that he followed.

  2. Oh hilarious and gross! BOYS! Sheesh.

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