Twilight versus 50 Shades of Grey

I haven’t blogged in a few days because I’ve been engrossed in the worst porn chick lit in the history of ever. It’s called 50 Shades of Grey and it’s FAB.U.LOUS! But it’s a lot like another chick lit porn book that you may have heard of…

One is a book about a klutzy girl-next-door type (with whom every male character is in love, but she doesn’t know it because she’s so unaware of her own beauty) and her older, ridiculously overprotective boyfriend, and the adversities they must overcome in order to be together.

The other is Twilight.

But how can you tell which one you’re reading? I’ve read both, found both utterly amusing/totally appalling, and I can now give you the definitive guide to Twilight versus 50 Shades of Grey.

MAIN CHARACTERS

TWILIGHT (Her): A wishy-washy Mary Sue archetype. Has brown hair. Absolutely not interested in money or material goods. Claims moral superiority/self-righteousness. Not at all freaked out/offended/shocked/scared by her beloved’s complete and utter stalker tendencies – nor the skeletons in his closet. Loves him unconditionally!

TWILIGHT (Him): An incredibly handsome, enigmatic, charming, ridiculously wealthy older man who is overly concerned/obsessed with her safety. Oh, and he’s also totally self-loathing. Rock-hard abs despite the fact that he never seems to work out. Always badgering her to eat something. Jealous of any male who looks at her. Cannot BELIEVE that she actually loves him back.

50 SHADES OF GREY (Her):  A wishy-washy Mary Sue archetype. Has brown hair. Absolutely not interested in money or material goods. Claims moral superiority/self-righteousness. Not at all freaked out/offended/shocked/scared by her beloved’s complete and utter stalker tendencies – nor the skeletons in his closet. Loves him unconditionally!

50 SHADES OF GREY (Him): An incredibly handsome, enigmatic, charming, ridiculously wealthy older man who is overly concerned/obsessed with her safety. Oh, and he’s also totally self-loathing. Rock-hard abs despite the fact that he never seems to work out. Always badgering her to eat something. Jealous of any male who looks at her. Cannot BELIEVE that she actually loves him back.

COARSE LANGUAGE SCALE

TWILIGHT: I think Bella says, “Oh, my God,” exactly once in the entire series.

50 SHADES OF GREY: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being You Can Say It In Front of The Informant and 10 being You Can’t Say It In Front of Larry Flynt, it’s a 39.

NAME IRONY/HISTORICAL LITERARY SHOUT OUTS

TWILIGHT: Well there’s Bella Swan for one. Also Edward happens to Cull(en) his homicidal tendencies. Also, by Stephenie Meyer’s own admission, Twilight = Pride and Prejudice; New Moon = Romeo and Juliet; Eclipse = Wuthering Heights; Breaking Dawn = The Merchant of Venice.

50 SHADES OF GREY: Christian (ha!) Grey, who learns that life isn’t always black and white. Ana, who happens not to eat very much — he is obsessed with feeding her! — and her last name is Steele, which is a shout-out to Sense and Sensibility. The fun sibling is named Elliot.

OTHERWORLDLY CREATURES

TWILIGHT: Vampires, wolves and half-breeds, oh my!

50 SHADES OF GREY: The ghosts of Christian’s past “subs.”

SEX

TWILIGHT: Exactly twice — after marriage. In a bed.

50 SHADES OF GREY: Exactly twice each morning, four times in the afternoon and seventeen ^ nth* times in the evening. Often involving the use of toys, bondage and dominance/submission. Definitely not married — although she’s not a total slut as defined by Rush Limbaugh: when they stop having sex, she goes off birth-control pills.

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6 Responses

  1. I didn’t care for either book. Does someone have a suggestion for a a REALLY GOOD BOOK?

  2. 50 shades was originally a twilight fan fiction called master of the universe. So it’s practically based on Bella &Edward. lol

  3. I love your take on both books. Erotic romance can be subjective, but blind meaningless obsession is never a good plot. As a romance/erotica writer myself I can honestly say I’ve never written characters so blind to their lover’s faults. Unconditional is fine, great even, but it doesn’t mean you have to leave common sense and self preservation at the door. A good romance involves both the hero and heroine having faults, fights and steaming hot make-up sex. Make a character too perfect and really who will care what happens to him/her?

    • I agree — which is why I like the first book in each series best. After they hook up it’s all, “You’re perfect! I love you unconditionally! Here’s the handcuffs!” Prior to that, at least they have a little restraint. (Ha.)

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