Search Engine Term Story: God Baking the Earth

***This is the first in a (possible) series of stories I will write based on the totally random search terms people use to find my blog. This week’s phrase is “God Baking the Earth.”***

First, God wanted some cookies. She sent her 9-year-old twins to the grocery store, because she is a Free Range God. They rode their bikes and wore helmets, and came back with chocolate chips that were not made by Nestle, because they try to boycott Nestle due to their practice of promoting formula over breastmilk.

God and her children washed their hands because they always do that before cooking and/or baking. Although God’s kitchen is not clean — Mary F. Poppins once said she couldn’t cook in a dirty kitchen, and God replied that if that were the case, she would never cook at all — she likes clean hands. Although not with alcohol based hand sanitizer.

God decided to make peanut butter chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. They are very easy to make, although the recipe doesn’t make as many cookies as God would like. Still, the best way to avoid overindulging in peanut butter chocolate chip oatmeal cookies is to make so few cookies that overindulging really isn’t possible. Alternatively, you can have so many children that overindulging would mean they wouldn’t get any cookies at all and then they would cry and whine about the UNFAIRNESS OF LIFE, and it would be very dramatic.

Once God finished making the batter with Her Masterpiece, she put it in the fridge for an hour. God had read online that putting cookie batter in the fridge for an hour helps the dough keep its shape while baking.

God talked to Mary F. Poppins while she was waiting for the batter to chill. Mary F. Poppins told God that in Germany, everyone puts the batter in the fridge to chill before baking. Those Germans — so smart! Except for that whole Nazi thing.

God and Her Masterpiece and The Informant baked the cookies for exactly 11 minutes and they came out perfectly! They were moist in the middle and slightly crunchy on the outside. The peanut butter really gives a great consistency. God tried not to drink any milk after eating some cookies because she’s lactose intolerant, but fresh cookies (with peanut butter) and water just doesn’t cut it. God had some milk.

Afterwards, she decided that the only encore to baking such wonderful cookies would be to bake the earth. The end.

God’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies

  • 1/2 cup butter, softened
  • 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup white sugar
  • 1/2 cup peanut butter
  • 1 egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup old-fashioned oats
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 12oz chocolate chips


  1. In a mixing bowl, cream butter and sugars; beat in peanut butter, egg and vanilla. Combine flour, oats, baking soda and salt; stir into the creamed mixture. Stir in chocolate chips. CHILL BATTER FOR ONE HOUR IN FRIDGE. Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 350 degrees F for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown. Cool 1 minute before removing to a wire rack.



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