Young Woman Goes to Hollywood, Seeking Dreams

Recently I was in Hollywood. I cannot tell you why yet, so don’t even ask, just know that it is THE BEST STORY IN THE HISTORY OF EVER and I promise it’s worth the wait. I was carted around Hollywood by a young actress who had an audition with Disney for an ABC Family show one of the days I was there, who also happens to be Wii’s sister. She looks like she’s 12 — I think it’s her vegetarian diet and possibly wearing lots of sun block, seriously she LOOKS SO YOUNG — and after showing us around Los Angeles I had to get something straight.

You see, I read a lot of gossip stories. Lindsay Lohan’s suddenly-yellow nasty teeth? Some Kardashian buying a bunch of something and pimping it on E? Julia Roberts’ son movie debut? I know way too much about all of these stories. (For the record, I loathe myself for not knowing who the Secretary of the Interior is, or the 9-9-9 plan.)

After seeing the Hollywood sign and Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and a toothless man in Daisy Dukes and a tube top singing and dancing to Lady Gaga — and the perfect beautiful weather, and the palm trees — I could see why Hollywood was so intoxicating.

I got to thinking about Charlie Sheen and his former “goddesses,” both of whom looked like lovely young women who simply got mixed up with the wrong crowd, and I wanted to get the real story from someone who might have gone down the same path…

“What’s up with young wannabe actresses becoming porn stars and hookers and stuff?” I asked.

Wii and her sister burst out laughing. “What?” they asked.

“You know, like young girl wants to go to Hollywood to become an actress… and she can’t get any work, so she becomes a porn star.”

More laughter. “I don’t know any porn stars,” Wii’s sister said.

“You don’t know any?”

“Wait, I lied… there’s my agent’s boss’s son’s wife. She’s a former porn star. I think.” We determined that there’s five degrees of separation.

“So, that doesn’t happen? Young women don’t come to Hollywood and try to get real acting jobs, and turn to porn or hooking to make money because they’re too ashamed to go home?”

“I’m sure they do. I just don’t know any personally.”

Wii was laughing hysterically, but I blamed it on the sleep deprivation/jet lag. I was feeling very serious, thinking of Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman. “But it can happen,” I pressed.

“Just not to me,” Wii’s sister said. “Or anyone I know.”

“No one has ever… you know, like propositioned you on a casting director’s couch? Or something like that?”

Wii and her sister went back to laughing.

“Have you seen what I look like?” she asked.

“Is it because you’re boobless?” I asked, as sympathetically as I could.

Wii said indignantly, “She’s not boobless. Boobless is an A-cup. She’s a a B-cup.”

“I’m five-foot-nothing and I weigh 100lbs. I don’t think anyone wants to see that. Can you imagine?” Wii’s sister asked.

“Oh come on,” I said, back to seriousness.  “There’s fetishists everywhere. I’m sure someone would want to see that. I’m five-foot-six, 150lbs and have enough extra skin to coat eight Eskimos but I’m SURE someone would be interested in this hot bod. Am I right? I’m totally right.”

And just like that, we were off on a tangent again and I never got an answer to my DEEP AND IMPORTANT QUESTION about young women turning to porn to pay the bills. This is the problem with being hilariously funny all the time: nobody ever takes me seriously.


3 Responses

  1. I take exception to your memory of the conversation! I would never call a B-cup “flat” or agree to “pancake-esque.” B-cups are perfectly not flat, not pancake-esque, and not too large so as to annoy.

  2. You are correct, I am not remembering everything correctly — I blame the sleep deprivation and jet lag. But I edited!

  3. Oh, as long as we’re editing! 😉 No, but really, you are confusing two conversations, and missing a great quote from my sis: “What about my girl-next-door b-cup looks makes anyone think, ‘Let’s put you in porn!'”

    But it’s still an awesome blog. 🙂

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