Don’t mess with a pregnant woman in the summer

This actually took place four years ago when I was pregnant with My Masterpiece. In honor of the hottest summer since dinosaurs roamed the earth, I thought I’d share my favorite summer memory EVER, the time I mailed dead fish.

One of My Chemical Romance’s hobbies is keeping and maintaining his freshwater aquarium. When we lived in Arizona, he had a big hexagonal tank on which he spent a lot of time and money because that’s his way of emoting hobby. So one day when he was traveling to San Diego for work, he bought some new fish at a fancy fish store and brought them home.

Three or four of the fish died the first day. Because the fish store in San Diego had a 24-hour guarantee on all fish, he called to report the dead fish and ask for a refund. The sales associate told him to return to the store with the fish. My Chemical Romance explained that we lived three hours away so he couldn’t. The sales associate then told him that because he’d traveled with the fish — three hours! in the summer! for shame! — the guarantee was null and void. My Chemical Romance hung up.

Disgusted by this obvious miscarriage of justice, I called the store back and spoke with another associate. I explained the situation. The associate gave me the same explanation about traveling and not being able to prove the fish were dead, so I asked to speak to a manager. Our conversation went like this:

Manager: “No blah blah can’t prove they’re dead blah blah”

Me: “I will send you a picture of the dead fish with today’s newspaper. That will prove they died within your 24 hours.”

Manager: “No yada yada yada traveled three hours blah blah”

Me: “In a CAR, dude. With the AIR CONDITIONING on. My husband survived the trip; the fish should have too! But regardless of the trip, your guarantee says nothing about TRAVELING WITH THE FISH. Do you expect every buyer to live at your store permanently???? Is a trip back home not allowed? If there’s traffic in San Diego and I’m driving from Chula Vista to North County, it could easily take two hours.”

Manager: Pause. Checkmate, jerkoff. “You cannot prove the fish are dead.”

Me: I got him on the traveling thing. “What if I could prove it?”

Manager: SNORT, “How, like mailing them back?” Another snort.

Me: “You did not just SNORT at me. Do you know that I am seven months pregnant with my fourth child and we live in Arizona? And it’s AUGUST. Are you freaking KIDDING me, fish store manager? I am a stay at home mom with nothing better to do and I pay no attention to finances; I WILL TOTALLY SEND YOU BACK THOSE FISH!” Click.

Immediately I wrapped the dead fish in about eight plastic bags. Then I rolled an entire package of tin foil around them. And then I mailed them, and I had USPS send email notification to the store to expect the package on a Monday. That’s right, store manager: the fish traveled over the weekend. In the summer.

Three weeks later we received a check in the mail from the fish store, for the price of the dead fish. Had the manager rubbed the check all over his sweaty hairy ass before mailing it? Probably. But I deposited it anyway, and counting the mailing fees, I figure we made about $5.

And this is why you should not mess with a pregnant woman in the summer.

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21 Responses

  1. […] the original: Don't mess with a pregnant woman in the summer « Cinco de Mommy Related Posts:Summer 2011 Concerts Coming to the Boston Area « Webb Transportation Is there […]

  2. So many complicating factors: store trying to weasel out of their guarantee with some lame travel clause? Snorting at you and harassing you, as if you enjoyed this phone experience with them? “Proof” of dead fish like this was some sort of hostage negotiation and the family of origin (said fish store) needing proof that their kin was still…dead?

    Me oh my! I bet that $5 you made was worth it though:-)

  3. Hilarious! I wish I could have seen the face of the person who received the fish!

  4. Poor fishy.

    • He didn’t leave a note, but I’m pretty sure he lived a nice long life in a nice tank with other fish-mates, and spent his last hours in a bag in an air-conditioned truck, listening to Howard Stern. -Erika

  5. LOL I read this post back when you originally posted it. This is probably one of my favorites. I don’t want you to mail me a live fish btw…or a dead one for that matter.

  6. That is an awesome story. It’s February, I’m only 6 months pregnant and only have 1 other child…but heaven forbid someone mess with me the way I feel right now!
    By the way, I had a fish commit suicide when I was a kid by jumping out of the tank and cooking on the radiator in my bedroom . I found it when I got home from school. 😦

  7. Good for you, standing up for justice.

  8. I really hope that your giveaway fish won’t be dead upon arrival! That’s a long trip, should I be lucky enough to win 🙂

  9. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!! I love this post. You really are awesome. But don’t let that go to your head.

  10. […] I’ve written, but it’s for me. I have ideas and jokes and weird stories (like about mailing dead fish) in my head, and it’s how I express myself. Some people draw, paint, throw pottery, sew, […]

  11. […] prejudice? Did you make a giant paper-mâché cow to show your support for fighting cancer? Or refuse to refund my money after the fish you guaranteed actually dies, necessitating me to mail said…? Are you (non-offensively) trying to raise money for a good cause? I’m definitely writing […]

  12. Ha ha ha! That was well worth the read. I’m going to enlist you every time I deal with crappy customer service. No, it’s all right — I don’t need you in person, just your fine example. I don’t care what my own customer service tussle is about; I now bet I can win any argument by sending dead fish.

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