Big Family in a Small House

My Chemical Romance and I have owned three houses in our eight years of marriage. As our family has grown and I’ve become an adult who is the Chief Operating Officer in my home, I can say without any doubt what sucks about our current house. Feel free to play tiny computer violins for me as I whine:

1. The kitchen is tiny

Mary F. Poppins was cooking in my kitchen recently and couldn’t believe how HOT it gets in there. Yes, when your kitchen is the size of a small closet, it starts to feel like you’re in an oven rather than cooking with one.

2. It’s cheaply made

It’s strangely large, especially considering how poorly planned it is — I think the house was made for a family consisting of two adults plus four dogs who each want their own room — but everything is the housing equivalent of Ik*ea particle board. The cabinets are peeling. The walls are broken easily. The doors are whatever doors that are not withstanding any type of weather. The carpet is imminently stain-able.

3. The neighbors

Okay, just that ONE neighbor, the busybody queen. Who happens to live on the corner and recently cut down all his trees so he can see my house easily. Le sigh.

4. The direction

Teaching my children due east was easy: “Kids, you know how you wake up at 5am because the sun is streaming in your windows each morning? That’s east.” Teaching my kids due west was even easier: “Kids, you know how we sit down to dinner at night in our kitchen and half of us are blinded by the sun setting? Or we want to watch TV and have to close all the blinds in the living room because we’re being further blinded after dinner? And it’s like a dark small cave with a TV? That’s west.” Teaching north and south was easy too: “You know the sides of the house that have no windows? That’s north and south.”

On the other hand, here are some things I love

1. The location

I think it’s great; we’re pretty close to major highways so we can get to the ‘burbs easily, as well as uptown and shopping areas and Trader Joe’s. We live near a library and several grocery stores, a Super Target and a major park. I’m very close to the Birth Center and several Jugs: Lexibose is five minutes away, Nice-Nice is seven, Stitches is 15 minutes, and Wii is 20-25 minutes.

2. The location (part two)

We live on a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood with tons of kids. My doorbell is constantly ringing. The dog without a downside gets walked by various neighbor kids. We have a hammock in front and a trampoline in back, and that makes my kids very popular.

3. My bedroom

It’s big and nice and I like my views. Recently I took the bed from our guest room (which was my parent’s bed) and put it in our room; it’s very firm and allegedly good for our backs. I do enjoy my sleep, when I get it.

4. The backyard

It’s big and we have a compost area and several trees that My Chemical Romance planted a few years ago that have started bearing fruit. He also has a garden. And there’s the trampoline. The backyard is also big, so the dog without a downside has plenty of room to check on the back forty.

I do know of a few things I want in my next house, should we ever have a next house: a bigger kitchen, maybe with an island; an upstairs laundry room; less bedrooms and more living space.


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