Social Anxiety: What Husbands Really Think

Recently Mary F. Poppins and her husband, Mr. Mary F. Poppins, came over. Porcelain has gotten particular regarding cross-nursing, but MFP is the one person from whom she will happily nurse. (My theory is that MFP looks a little like me — dark hair and dark eyes, as opposed to my Amazon Aryan friend, Lady Beaver of Syllables, or Nice-Nice who is from Barbados.) Anyway, the three of us were chatting while MFP nursed Porcelain, and MFP was talking about something which makes her feel anxious.

Being the kind, sensitive, helpful human being that I am, I interrupted her to announce that whatever it was was a really stupid thing to feel anxious about, and she should really get over that, like, immediately.

After all, I know all about getting over irrational anxiety. I never worry about my children getting caught in tree-trimmers, or falling into a sewer because a street grate was loose, or My Chemical Romance accidentally poking himself in the brain with the marshmallow-roaster when he goes camping. Who, me, anxious? Why do you think that?? Was it something I did??? Do my completely random paranoias make it that obvious?!?!? TELL ME!!!! I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS!!!!!

Mr. Mary F Poppins said, “It’s just Mary F. Poppins’ anxiety that makes her feel that way. She can’t help it. It’s her anxiety,” he repeated, in a way that implied I know nothing about anxiety and the klon*pin sitting in my bathroom cabinet is just gathering dust while I sleep soundly in the confidence that we’ll be able to send five kids to college on My Chemical Romance’s salary and my… homemaking skills, just like I’m certain they’ll never resent me for not reading to them enough, and did I remind them to brush their teeth before bed, and will My Masterpiece ever stay dry through the night? Is The Informant going to need jaw surgery? Am I feeding them enough vegetables? Will all these bottles of donor breastmilk and cross-nursing cause Porcelain to wean earlier than I want (say, age five or so)? AM I A GOOD MOTHER?!?!?! I just want to sleep!!!!

By the way, My Chemical Romance, when faced with the anxiety I experience blesshisheart, would have said, “It’s just my wife’s craziness that makes her feel that way. She can’t help it. She’s just crazy.”

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