Dear Daughters, Here is Your Voucher for Cosmetic Surgery

Please use it wisely.

If, like your mother and grandmother and great-grandmother, you develop watermelons upon your chest, I will allow you to have breast reduction surgery.

However, please note that breast reduction may inhibit your ability to produce milk and nurse your future children. I hope that I’ve instilled upon all of you the importance of num-nums. I did nurse My Masterpiece exclusively for a year; however by the time she was born it was more than a decade after I’d had my surgery. Also, if I’d been a more concerned mother (maybe a first- or second-timer) I might have worried about my supply and her growth. I never leaked breastmilk and I never had any “extra” of which I was aware. My Masterpiece was not a cute chunky rolly polly ball-of-squish baby. She was on the small side. We got through it, but now that I’m having issues nursing Porcelain, I wonder if My Masterpiece couldn’t have used a little extra daily milk. She took heartily to solids and gave up nursing without fanfare.

If, like your mother and several great-aunts, you become morbidly obese, I will allow you to have weight-loss surgery.

I sincerely hope none of you, nor your brothers, become morbidly obese. It’s unhealthy and miserable. There are fat-activists out there who claim to love being large and in charge and fiercely real and morbidly obese is the new little black dress (in a size 22, naturally) and work it, girlfriend! They’re few and far between. In my experience, and the experience of my other formerly morbidly-obese friends, morbid obesity is sad and lonely and scary, and I hope you never experience that.

Additionally, it may inhibit your ability to produce milk and nurse your future children — more so than a breast reduction. Nursing post-breast reduction surgery was not difficult; nursing post breast-reduction surgery AND weight-loss surgery has been the most challenging experience of my life. More challenging than being a single mom of twins. More challenging than being the kind of person who takes aspirin when I have a headache — and then having two natural homebirths, both of which were very physically painful. 

I know that The Informant and My Masterpiece bear witness to the challenges: you see various friends nurse Porcelain for me, you see me make bottles of donor breast milk, and you see me take 160mg of domperidone daily, all in an effort to keep Porcelain exclusively breastmilk-only, and I think you can see it’s not easy. I can tell you — it’s not easy. I’m constantly worried that I’m not nursing her enough to keep up my own could-be-better supply; I’m constantly worried that one day Porcelain is going to refuse to nurse from someone who isn’t me; I’m constantly worried that we’re going to lose power and all her milk will thaw and leak. Speaking of leak, I spend most days covered in sticky warm sweet-smelling breastmilk that isn’t mine. I would say my bottle-leaking average is 50%; however my frozen-milk-thawing-leaking average is at least 80%. (For the record, the least-leaking scenario is frozen flat and used quickly.)

If you want your ears pinned back; no. I happen to think airplane ears are adorable, so you’re going to have to hold out til you’re 18 — and save your allowance because I won’t pay for that.

If you want your nose fixed; no, but I would maybe consider revisiting that if you had a severely deviated septum that was affecting you. And I do not mean affecting you in the Barbra Streisand way.

The Informant, you will probably need jaw surgery since your teeth don’t line up at all and your mouth is tiny — oh, irony, how you mock my never-ending chatterbox daughter! — and I’m all for that, especially if your mouth will be wired shut for a few months weeks.

I will allow you to get your eyebrows waxed if you really want, but not your bikini line. Because at the ripe old age of 32 I just had that done for the first time and YOWCH. I think I’m going to cross that off my bucket list and walk (gingerly) back to the world of electric “personal trimmers,” thanks. I’ll explain it when you’re older.


5 Responses

  1. Just in case you’re interested in alternatives to jaw surgery (and why wouldn’t you be?) I am happy to recommend Sellers Orthodontic here in Charlotte. The braces/bracket system they use works a different way and can actually change the size and shape of the mouth while aligining teeth–saving teeth that others would pull and (for many) avoiding jaw-breaking surgery! My eldest daughter is about a year into her braces experience with them and it’s going better, faster, and less painful than the three other places we checked out said it would. Also, Dr. Sellers pulled no teeth (the others all said four would have to go!) I can’t recommend the Dr. Sellers and the Damon System enough. Check ’em out!

  2. All I can do is smile, so I thought I’d let you know that. Good post, as usual. 🙂

  3. The second-to-last paragraph was hilarious!

    If airplane-ear repair is requested, I might consider it. After all, I have cute little ears, and it just isn’t fair.

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