Nursing in Public: Breastfeeding in front of my kids

Location: a sub/sandwich/soup restaurant on Kids Eat Free night (the only time we ever go out)

Characters: Me, My Chemical Romance, Animal, Mineral, The Informant, My Masterpiece and Porcelain.

Starring: My breasts, as themselves.

Featuring: My nipples, as the sprayer-hose thingies

Scene: A dark and stormy night Dinnertime. I am hungry; I try handing off Porcelain to My Chemical Romance so that I can eat my soup and sandwich; she immediately begins crying and wants to nurse. I put her on the table and whip out my boob, sandwich still in hand.

Mineral (squirming): “Mo-om! Gross! I don’t want to see your boobies!” He tried to hide his face.

My Chemical Romance: “Stop it, Mineral. Mommy is just feeding the baby.”

Me: “Yes, that’s right. I’m just feeding the baby.” Pause to swallow a bite and spill food on the baby’s head. “In fact, I think you should open your eyes. This is important, Mineral.” Talking louder now. “And all of you! Open your eyes and look! I am nursing in public and it’s normal. It’s so normal — it’s the way babies were created to eat! It’s what breasts were created to do! And you need to know that so that you and your partners and wives and husbands and sister-wives all get the nursing support they need because I taught you when you were young that NURSING IS NORMAL! You must look at me! Look at me now!”

Other patrons of the restaurant, staring at our table: *crickets*

The Informant: “Good job, mommy! Now everyone is looking at you, just like you wanted.”

And that’s what it’s like to be a kid in my family — you are forced to see my breasts watch me nurse because it’s an important life lesson.


One Response

  1. Way to homeschool!!

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