Three Types of Homeschoolers

I rarely go to homeschool get-togethers because, to be honest, so many homeschooler parents bring the crazy. I’m sorry to be a traitor to my people but GAH. Most homeschool parents I’ve met fit into one of three categories:

1. Jesuschoolers

Jesus said to homeschool. And that dinosaurs don’t exist.  Therefore we homeschool, shielding our children from that wicked wicked concept taught in mainstream schools — we refer to it as EVILution, because everyone knows that the bible says dinosaurs are evil — and on the weekends we march for keeping marriage faithfully between one man and one woman. *However, certain conservative pundits may have more than one wife. Or a wife and a mistress. Because God told them to.

While your passion is obvious, your blind adherence to such a strict dogma is Stepford scary, and not my thing. Moving on…

2. School at Home

We homeschool for 8 hours per day, including flashcards during our 45 minute lunch, and two fifteen-minute pee breaks per day. My children are learning English, Latin, Swahili; mathematics; chemistry, biology, and physics; and how to play the banjo. And that’s just our Tuesday schedule!

I just had a baby. I’m tired enough without hearing about your schooling. Plus, you can’t fit us into your cramped schedule for a playdate  anyway.

3. Radical Unschoolers

We do whatever my children want, anytime they want. They do not have to brush their teeth, they do not have to shower — they can even soil themselves if they choose! I refuse to “teach” anything because teaching is an imperialist concept that unfairly assumes my children know less than I do, simply because they are younger and smaller. Also, I do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry — they will learn by example, and I’m certain one day they’ll choose to wash their own soiled underthings! — and do not censor any of their media. If they want to watch decapitation porn, that’s their choice and it’s a valid one.

When there is a heated discussion — we never argue! — because one child wants to do one thing, and one wants to do something else, we have a family meeting. Each family member gets a vote. If the vote is split, we allow the cat to make the decision, observing the way she uses her litter box to decipher her feelings on the subject.

Once we saw a restaurant patron choking to death. One of my children knows CPR but did not want to perform the lifesaving measures on a stranger so we let him die. And that was a valid choice!

Blank stare, diplomatic nod, and in my head: crickets.

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4 Responses

  1. you are hysterical. these 3 groups are pretty predominant….i love your descriptions, which are so hilarious because they are so accurately depicted! so, how would you describe your homeschooling approach?

    • Hi Melissa! I’d say we’re gentle homeschoolers. I lean more toward unschooling than school-at-home, but I try to incorporate reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic into most days. I find a lot of science stuff online, in YouTube videos. And of course we cook. I’m really proud that they’re learning some basic life skills, like direction. When I was on a road trip with my mom, at age 18, she handed me a map and asked me to give her directions. I said, “I don’t know how to read a map!” LOL. I still remember her response: “You’re taking calculus, and you can’t read a map??!?!!”

      • Sounds pretty cool! Life skills are huge, and there is so much ‘school stuff’ inherent in those life skills, you know? I think we don’t realize how much, because traditional school learning is so compartmentalized. Thanks! I was curious =)

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