A stranger babysat my children

Recently I ran into a woman who babysat my children on what I thought was one of the worst days of my life. She was a total stranger at the time — and still is, basically. I think I’ve only seen her once or twice since then.

It was a few months after my weight loss surgery. Animal and Mineral were in kindergarten, and I think The Informant was in preschool. (OMG, I must have had so much free time!) I had a hemorrhoid. Not just any hemorrhoid, a thrombosed hemorrhoid.

A thrombosed hemorrhoid is like a regular hemorrhoid except it hurts like a motherfucker. Oh, and it bleeds, and it’s huge and purple.

This was before Jugs existed, before I was doing a lot of birth work and had regular babysitters for my kids. So at the time, I toted all or some of them with me, or I just didn’t go to the doctor. But this — the pain was really awful, and I read online that I needed to have the hemorrhoid treated within 48 hours or otherwise it would heal on its own, which meant two more weeks of pain. So I had to get to the doctor, like, post-haste.

I was — still am — a member of an online local mommies board. I didn’t know any of the members personally, but I’d seen posts looking for sitters in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, I’d noticed that most of the posts went un-replied-to, but I absolutely had to get to the colorectal surgeon, and I absolutely could not take my children with me.

I decided to post. I think the title was, “Desperately ISO babysitter RIGHT NOW” (iso = in search of.)

“I’m going to be honest with you ladies,” I wrote. “I have a hemorrhoid. Not just any hemorrhoid, a thrombosed hemorrhoid.” (And then I added my explanation.) “I have to get to the doctor or I’m going to perform my own ass-ectomy with cuervo gold tequila as an anesthetic. Please can ANYONE watch my children for a couple hours?”

This lovely woman who lived in my neighborhood replied. Actually I have no idea if she’s lovely. Like I said, I’ve run into her once or twice since then, and she seems lovely, and always asks about my ass. But I got her address, drove my kids the 2 minutes to her house, asked her if she was a child molester, and drove off.

The doctor excised my thrombosed hemorrhoid, I felt relief, and my children did not appear to have been mistreated in any way. Nowadays I have babysitters for doctor appointments, and I know that an anal fissure — and then an anal fistula — is much more painful than a thrombosed hemorrhoid.

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One Response

  1. As always, you crack me up.

    ~A

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