An Open Letter to Charlie Sheen from Camille Grammer

Dear Chaim Charlie,

I hope you enjoy these beautiful yellow roses. I sent you three dozen: one for you and one for each of the goddesses. They really are lovely girls, and so sweet! If I hadn’t done softcore porn in the early 90s and then vehemently denied it til that bitch Kim Chaim Richards found it, I never would have known that a porn star and a model could be so nice! (Just watch out for those flight attendants; they are conniving husband-stealing bitches.)

By the way, you were great on Howard Stern’s show. Isn’t he gracious, giving us a platform for telling the truth? I mean, some people thought my former husband, famous TV star Kelsey Grammer, was in La Cage Aux Folles because he’s an Emmy-winning actor, but as I told Howard, the real reason is that he likes to cross-dress for fun!

(That reminds me, perhaps you should think about a prenuptial agreement when you have your polynuptials with the goddesses [Of course I’m all for marriage equality!] That way, you can continue saying anything you want and you won’t have to counter-sue for 380 million dollars for the emotional distress they inflict upon you after they sue you for slander and libel. Everyone wins! Did I mention my former husband, Tony-award winner Kelsey Grammer, likes to cross-dress? We did not have a prenup.)

Anyway, Charlie, I’m so happy that you’ve decided to share all your hard-earned life wisdom with the rest of the world. I know that people like us — people with Adonis DNA and Tiger blood — love to help others. Did you happen to catch my show, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? (Coincidentally, it was the highest rated of all the Real Housewives shows.) On it, I was always helping people. In fact, some people compared me to Jesus because I was just that helpful, and also because I have long hair and wear strappy shoes.

I’m sure you’ll empathize, though, when I tell you that not everyone understood my helpfulness. In fact, some people, like Kim Chaim Richards, even went so far as to say that I was delusional and crazy. (To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, “As if!”) I just ignore them, of course. I did nothing wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of! They could try to live my life, of course — but then, as you know, their faces will melt off and their children will weep over their exploded bodies.

Anyway, from one rockin’ bitch bitchin’ rockstar to another, I just want to say thanks for taking the heat off me as the only resident of Crazytown. I recently accepted employment with world-class news channel CNN as their new Joan Rivers rip off fashion award show expert, and your recent interviews have made them realize that employing someone with a success rate of 100% is just good math!

Love,

Camille Grammer

 

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