Large Families Suck aka “My Husband Was Out of Town For Two Days and All I Got Was This Blog Post”

Okay, Life, I agree — I’m ruining the earth with my overpopulated family! We’re wasting valuable resources that should be used on children who don’t consider Spongebob Squarepants the height of culture! I’m unschooling them just because I’m too lazy to to actually teach them anything that requires me getting off Facebook! — and to that end, My Chemical Romance is getting a vasectomy in March. But, in case you’re curious, let me just tell you why being a mom in a large family sucks:

1. The laundry never ends. I am not even exaggerating. I wish I were exaggerating. If the dishes get overwhelming, I can always contribute further to global waste by using plastic/paper, but I have yet to find any plastic/paper clothes that my children will wear.

2. There is always stuff on the floor. Always. Recently I watched Stitches’ son for a morning. I thought, “What’s one more kid?” He came over and everything went fine. The next morning I got a message from Stitches which said, “Soooooooooo, I found a glittery yellow bead in his poop this morning. Do you know anything about this?” When I told The Informant about it, she shrieked, “Is she going to give it back?!?!? That’s my FAVORITE bead!!!! Tell her to wash it and give it back!!!!”

3. I do half of something, one-quarter of something else, and one-sixteenth of vacuuming. You know what I mean: I start a load of laundry, forget to put in the laundry soap; wipe the counter in the bathroom but not the actual toilet; and change one of the boys sheets and then forget who has clean sheets and who has dirty…

4. … and yet, I always find the time to eat. A lot. Those 20 extra lbs I’m still up from my fighting weight? Breastfeeding 24/7, two months postpartum, it’s down — to like 19 extra lbs.

5. When My Chemical Romance isn’t home at night, it’s like Lord of the Flies in here. Recently he went on a trip for two days (don’t worry, I’m going to write about it) and he came home to find me sleeping surrounded by clean laundry (I hope), vodka, candy wrappers, and tears, clutching my cell phone for updates that he was going to be home soon. He’s been here all day, working from home, and I still feel like a recently released POW.

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