The Wrist-Hair of Doom

I feel like I’m becoming Mrs. Duggar, or a moms on “Kids By the Dozen” — of which RenRedux’s cousin is one! — with all these weird pregnancy-related symptoms. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that this is only kid #5, so it’s not like this is normal for me. Here goes the freakshow list:

1. The Long Wrist-Hair of Doom (no picture)

I can’t take a picture because it’s just this one tiny hair but it grows like three times as long as my other arm hair — but only when I’m pregnant. It’s so weird. One hair. Only when I’m pregnant. If it were dark, I’d pluck it, but it’s actually very light. And long. It blows in the breeze.

2. The Cavernous  Diastasis Recti of the Mountains

My friend Heather first noticed it several months ago. I was laying down on my couch so that she could palpate my uterus — she has two sets of identical twins, and I wanted to know if she thought my uterus felt huge and freakish like hers had — and as I started to sit up she said, “Nice diastasis.” I was like, “What the what?” And then I looked it up. Somewhere between the twin pregnancy, the two singletons that followed, the weight gain, the incredibly invasive weight-loss surgery, the subsequent weight loss, and this pregnancy and weight gain (20lbs so far, and enjoying every meal), my abdominal muscles separated. And the space between is cavernous. And it moves.

Tonight I went out with Wii and we got pedicures and as I settled in my chair, it moved and the pedicurist (?) got all excited that the baby was kicking me. I said, “Nope, that’s just me,” and I flexed my stomach muscles (SNORT!) for her to make it move more. She was very impressed. (Incidentally, the baby is the size of a speck, and the kicks I feel are very low.)

It is begging for a name. “The Cavernous Diastasis Recti of the Mountains” is too long. Please advise.

3. My feet are growing.

This is a normal pregnancy one, but I find it particularly offensive. Shoes are expensive. Especially considering that last year I made a commitment not to buy cheap shoes — only high-quality footwear for me. Like my Keens, which actually probably still fit because I bought them a little big. But my Vibram Five Fingers are too small. UGH. UGH UGH UGH! They’re so comfy — unless they’re too small and squishing your right big toe. Even my ugly Cr*ocs are tight.

4. Beware the tiny cut

I tend to get infections when I’m pregnant. I hypothesize that my body does such a fantastic job gestating a baby, it forgets all about ME. After all, let’s not forget what this baby has been through so far: an abdominal and pelvic C/T scan with contrast dye; cold medicine — the kind that you’re specifically not supposed to take when you’re pregnant, it says on the box — for a few days; assurgery under general anesthesia followed by a month on hydro*codone (I miss you, hyco!); and the usual lunchmeat/unpasteurized milk that I consume daily. My body freakin’ LOVES being pregnant. When I was pregnant with Animal and Mineral, the high-risk Obstetrician I saw due to their Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome said that I do an awesome job at being pregnant*

*If only I did such a great job at parenting. My Masterpiece just walked into the computer room, completely naked, with a waffle in her hand, which she aimed at me and said, “A gun! A gun! Psssht! Psssht! Psssht!”

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One Response

  1. I think you should name The Cavernous Diastasis Recti of the Mountains something like Fred. Either that or Cave Belly.

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