I wish I could joke, but the drugs aren't good enough.

By the way, I know I promised to live-blog while drinking the colonscopy sludge

but I must have done it wrong, because nothing really happened. (And I have had a colonscopy before, so I know what’s supposed to happen.)

So I had my surgery yesterday. And… it hurt. Bad. Worse than I had anticipated. 

I anticipated that this surgery would be like the two in-office procedures I’ve had on this, uh, region. Annoying, causing some discomfort, but ultimately more of a punchline than a painful experience. (Is there anything funnier than imagining me genuflecting with my ass-cheeks taped open while a preternaturally cheeful nurse injects lidocaine into very very delicate tissues?)

Sadly, I was totally wrong. Those were procedures. This was surgery. Minor, outpatient, but still surgery.

I woke up from anesthesia vomiting and peeing myself — awesome! — and in pain. So much pain. I got some stronger medicine, and threw up again on the drive back to my parent’s house.

When I got back there, I learned that my children had run my mom ragged, so I put them to bed. And I walked the dog. While my ass bled, and, uh, leaked. And it hurt. It hurt a lot.

During the night, I realized that I needed more help, so I called the doctor for stronger painkillers, and I called My Chemical Romance to fly down here and drive us back home. I need to be home. I need my friends and my husband.

I hope that my next blog comes from home, and that I can sit without use of a pillow when I write it.

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3 Responses

  1. This is the first time I have ever heard of someone having that much trouble. So sorry it was such a bad experience. I almost….notice I said, “almost” look forward to my next one because I slept soooooo good when I got home. Hope you are sitting better with each day that passes.

  2. Ugh, that sounds absolutely awful. Let me know if you need anything when you get home.

  3. Hope the drive home isn’t excruciating! 😦

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