Dear Cake: You win. (I'll eat you anyway.)

I have a new nemesis. Forget my crazy neighbor; it is much more devious and complicated than him. It is this — Ice Cream Roll Cake.

Don't I look easy?

I made it last night for The Informant’s birthday party, and I made it again today for her actual birthday, and both times I totally screwed it up.

Which brings me to the following Personal Truth: I can cook; I cannot bake.

In my defense, baking is not like cooking. Cooking is roses and hearts and cute little puppies. Baking is more like cleaning my German grandmother’s house: it requires precision, elbow grease, and a lot of time squinting unhappily.

My Chemical Romance loves baking. This is probably because baking is a chemical science.

Here is the actual recipe (along with my commentary):

Ingredients

  • 4 eggs, separated (separated? into what? how many?)
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 3/4 cup cake flour (used “organic pastry flour” and hoped for the best.)
  • 1/4 cup baking cocoa
  • 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 3 cups ice cream, softened
  • CHOCOLATE SAUCE:
  • 2 (1 ounce) squares unsweetened baking chocolate
  • 1/4 cup butter
  • 2/3 cup evaporated milk, heated to 160 degrees F
  • 1 cup sugar

Directions

  1. Let eggs stand at room temperature for 30 minutes. Line a greased 15-in. x 10-in. x 1-in. baking pan with waxed paper; grease and flour paper; set aside. (What I did: put 2 eggs in each cup of my bra and prayed that nobody wanted a hug.)
  2. In a large mixing bowl, beat egg yolks on high for 3 minutes or until lemon-colored. Gradually add sugar and vanilla, beating until thick and pale yellow. Combine the flour, cocoa and baking powder; gradually add to egg yolk mixture Beat on low until well mixed (mixture will be thick). (What the recipe gods meant to say was, ‘mixture will resemble chocolate flavored cement.’)
  3. In another large mixing bowl and with clean beaters (do not use tongue), beat egg whites and salt on high speed until soft peaks form. Fold a fourth of egg whites into the batter, then fold in remaining whites. (Hope you have strong arms for this part!)
  4. Spread batter evenly in prepared pan. (As evenly as you can spread chocolate cement mixed with beaten egg whites.) Bake at 350 degrees F for 15 minutes or until cake springs back when lightly touched. Turn cake onto a kitchen towel (cloth diaper) dusted with confectioners’ sugar. Gently peel off waxed paper. Roll up cake in the towel jelly-roll style, starting with a short side. Cool completely on a wire rack.
  1. Unroll cake (watch cake fall entirely apart); spread with ice cream to within 1 in. of edges. Roll up again (while ice cream oozes out all sides of totally fallen-apart cake). Cover with plastic wrap and freeze until serving. CURSE REPEATEDLY.
  2. In a small heavy saucepan, melt chocolate and butter over low heat, stirring until smooth. Gradually add warm milk and sugar; stir constantly for 5 minutes or until completely dissolved. Serve with cake.

Yesterday, I had a giant burrito with ice cream inside. Imagine the outside is chocolate cake, and the inside is a burrito (and there’s chocolate/fudge sauce on top)

A tasty dessert!

Today I got… the opposite. (My Chemical Romance: “What’s the opposite of a burrito? A sandwich? A fish? I’m confused.”)

More like a flauta. Skinny, anemic-looking, pathetic — and of course falls apart, just like the burrito version.

I am not an improvement.

I am not an improvement.

Still, I can’t deny that both cakes taste good but ever since I started watching Top Chef on Bravo, I actually care about presentation.

For dinner, I am making Garlic Cheese Chicken Roll-Ups, which my friend Paul says look like ZhuZhu pets.

Who's hungry?

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One Response

  1. Do we get to see a photo of *your* creation??? 😀

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